Consent: Betty Martin
Learn the distinction between what it means to “touch” vs to “feel” and how feeling within ourselves first is key to the definition of consent. Consent is an important topic for kids and adults — it is not limited to sex! This post explores concepts of consent from Betty Martin’s new book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent.
(Note: I never recommend anything I don't personally use and believe in. Some links may be affiliate links, which are free to you, but may offer me a commission if you make a purchase, which helps support my business — thank you!)
In her new book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, Betty Martin uses clear, casual language and straightforward directives to define and illustrate her groundbreaking contribution to the human experience: The Wheel of Consent.
Who is Dr. Betty Martin?
Dr. Betty Martin originally worked as chiropractor before she shifted focus to work as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, a certified Surrogate Partner, and Somatic Sex Educator. She helped develop the Foundations of Facilitation training for Cuddle Party, which organizes events to teach about consent, boundaries, and communication for non-sexual situations.
For the past several years, she has leading trainings to teach consent skills to sex workers, touch providers, somatic therapists, massage therapists, sexuality educators, medical and health care workers, activists, and human resources — providing a clear understanding of how consent begins within our own bodies and then extends into our human relationships, however touch may (or may not) be involved.
Betty’s command of the material and ability to apply simple wording to describe complex experience places her solidly in the company of The Greats.
The Greats are my curated list of individuals who have contributed in original and profound ways to the budding field of Sexual Wellness. And my number one pick is the visionary on whose shoulders the rest of us in this field all attempt to stand — the aforementioned Dr. Betty Martin.
Dr. Martin’s work is appropriate for all ages and has more to do with being ALIVE than anything explicitly sexual. I wish we could all go back to kindergarten and learn — no, remember — her way of living in our bodies.
Focus on Feeling
One of her key foundational principles is the difference between “touch” and “feel.” At first blush, these words might seem to mean the same thing to us, but there is nuance in language. But to take it back to language for a moment…
Here is an example from my life of how word choice can changes how we perceive something:
Are they “naked” or “nude”?
When I was a college student, I participated in the docent program at our local fine art museum. When teaching us how to give entertaining and provocative tours, our boss plopped us in front of a painting of a woman wearing only her birthday suit and asked, “Is the subject naked or nude?”
That question has stuck with me for 25 years. The choice whether to describe her as “naked” or “nude” changes everything about our perception of her, doesn’t it? What do these words mean and how are they different? (This was Virginia in 1993, so she could have thrown “necked” in there, too, and then we’d really have had something to gab about!)
If we describe a person as nude, perhaps we think of them more artfully than someone who is naked. Similarly, as Betty’s work focuses entirely on the most controversial of our five senses, she makes a distinction early on between what it means to “touch” and to “feel”.
To touch is to reach out, to make contact physically. To feel, on the other hand, is about sensation, feeling is the emotional and/or physical experience of touch. She asks, first and foremost, that we relearn how to feel.
Take that in. She’s asking a lot. But she does it in such a friendly, supportive, inspiring way that you’ll find yourself giving it a go! She encourages readers thatAs she says, “you don’t have to dissect your issues or resolve your past. All you need is to be curious and bring your attention to sensation.”
What is Consent?
So how does feeling and being attentive to sensation relate to CONSENT? Well, you have to live in your body to offer true consent – even (and especially) to yourself.
You have to truly feel in your body to recognize and then choose to follow your desires. Babies do this instinctively. But, somehow between ages 0-7, we start the (often decades long) process of unlearning how to connect with this most core part of ourselves.
Consent is recognizing and following your desires; it is communicating that to others, and it is honoring their wishes as well.
Now, we find ourselves bravely relearning how to connect and trust our internal feelings. At a minimum, cultivating our ability to feel is a great place to begin the unfolding of self-realization we all so keenly desire these days!
On the flip side, It IS pretty easy for most of us to feel pain. We’re often praised for our ability to tolerate it – to persevere in the face of it. Great. However, right now, try to focus for a moment on what might feel good. Not so accessible, huh?
Betty calls pleasure “a powerful change agent,” and it undoubtedly is. She defines pleasure as a biological guide to what gives us joy and nourishment. She makes it abundantly clear, though, that it’s counter-productive to chase it.
Instead, she encourages us to recognize it where it already exists inside ourselves. To then relax into it without judgment and from there just see what happens. This requires present-moment awareness. (Sound familiar, all you devoted meditators out there?)
Betty says that behavior matters, but attention and the meaning we give things are the real determinants of inner experience. Our inner experience is where our pleasure lives. Pleasure is an aspect of our physiology that affects brain activity, blood chemistry, muscle engagement and more.
“Change your physiology (other, more socially acceptable ways of changing our physiology are diet, exercise, sleep hygiene, etc…) and you change what you are able to perceive. Change what you can perceive and you change what you are able to imagine. Change what you can imagine and you change what you are able to choose in your life.”
Bottom line: You can’t give or receive pleasure. You access it within yourself. That’s step one.
What we CAN consciously give ourselves and others is time and attention. Once the primary goal of accessing pleasure in our inner experience is achieved, Betty’s work goes into detail about how it is that we relate to others.
Playing the Object Game
"The Object Game" is Betty's foundational exercise and a REQUIRED first step in being able to experience her more complex material with The Wheel of Consent. She encourages you to practice The Object Game until it "clicks" (a word she uses often that feels relieving to me).
There is a tipping point physiologically —- not intellectually — when you do just GET IT. It clicks. And, in that instant you're ready to move on.
The purpose of The Object Game is to wake up your hands. Because, with the exception of your lips and genitals, your hands have more nerve endings than anywhere else on your body!
We rarely experience the pleasure of truly feeling sensation in our hands, however, as we almost always use them exclusively to source information or complete tasks.
In this exercise, which I have designed to be kid-friendly (!), we wake up the connection between the sensory nerves in our hands and the pleasure centers to which they correlate in our brain.
It sounds easy, but it can often be very challenging. Don’t get discouraged — if you have an intact nervous system, you will be able to consciously accomplish this. And, as simple as it sounds, it can be a profoundly moving experience. It can feel like coming home to your body for the very first time.
My suggestion is to commit to 5 minutes a day of this practice, and I encourage you to share it with other people — partners, kids, friends:
Find a comfortable seat and lean back, settling in to the position.
Pick up an object and put it in your lap.
Use your hands to notice every detail you can. Your mind will label the object — that’s fine.
As your mind wanders, bring your attention back to your hands. The slower you move, the more you can feel.
Begin to notice that the sensation in your hands is pleasant. Your physiology will shift. Muscles will soften. Breath will slow. Brain chemistry changes to a more relaxed state.
There may be emotional release. Emotions can range from surprise to sadness to relief to confusion to self-doubt to guilt to shame. Any and all of these feelings are fine to feel!
A few key notes and elements about this exercise:
This is not about anything specific: not about giving/receiving, not sexual, no goal to achieve.
Noticing if the brain connection there or not.
Taking action towards your own pleasure.
Consciously choosing where you place your attention.
The Wheel of Consent
The Wheel of Consent is a roadmap for not only your physical embodiment, but your emotional, intellectual, and, ultimately, spiritual experience as well.
Using the Wheel of Consent is both SUPER simple and SUPER complex. To start with the basics, the most important thing is being sure that the connection between your sensation and your brain is working. The Object Game (above) is a good way to let you know exactly where you are with this.
Once you're abundantly clear that your sensation awareness & connection is actively working, you can move on to more complex relational practice (aka The Wheel of Consent) with a partner.
The Wheel of Consent is a diagram of what happens when we ask another person two basic questions:
"How do you want to touch me?"
"How do you want me to touch you?"
Again, it is important to remember that these questions are NOT only applicable to sexual relationships.
We are ultimately asking these two questions every time we physically interact with another person — shaking hands at work, hugging a friend, picking up a child, kissing a relative on the cheek, and initiating sexual contact with a partner.
The answers given and the subsequent roles assumed fall into the four quadrants of The Wheel, which are paired based on the two roles involved: the actor and receiver:
Take + Allow
Serve + Accept
Betty's model uses touch on the arm from the wrist down solely to explore what these mean in context:
Serving: you give your action (your action is for your partner)
Allowing: you give your access (to your self: body, attention, etc..)
Accepting: you receive the gift of your partner's action
Taking: you receive the gift of access to your partner
Her website gives free and clear instructions on exactly how to do this in a series of videos about The Wheel of Consent.
There is much nuance here and it takes time & commitment to truly embody the quadrants of The Wheel. But it’s very worthwhile to practice and engage with, as it illuminates the nature of all your relationships in present time — starting with, as always, the most important: your relationship with yourself.
So… Consent Meaning Varies
It’s generally obvious how this work relates to sexual expression (and Betty does addresses sex directly on in her work), but it’s far from her core teaching.
Consent is at play and impacts all aspects of our relational life — friendship, family, work. It is NOT just sexual.
We are constantly agreeing, rejecting, permitting, and forbidding — as is everyone else, especially the better each of us is at tuning in to our true feelings.
The principles of consent can (and should!) be taught in elementary school. I sincerely wish they were.
The exercises can be explored with your Great Aunt at Thanksgiving dinner — about topics that you do or don’t want to discuss, or whether a child HAS to give or accept a hug from a relative.
Learn to Receive from Yourself
As we head into this season that we’re told is all about “giving,” I wonder if you can allow the flip side to enter your consciousness as Betty so wisely does in her book title: try switching your priorities and put your own receiving first…
And by receiving, I mean the cultivation of trust, consent, and your natural ability to receive the sensations you feel within yourself.
If you’re so inclined, reach out and let me know how this resonated with you! I would love to hear how you’ve begun to explore feeling within yourself, and I’m happy to discuss ways to practice consent if it feels challenging. Book a free 20 minute consultation with me.
Thank you for your attention!
Katie